I was looking at someone’s reblog of a bunch of cute dog photos and all of a sudden I remembered that when going to Blockbuster to rent a movie with my family as a teenager, I would always try to work my way over to the DVD of this movie Shiloh (which I have never seen) because it has a really cute photo of a beagle on it. And I would stare at the photo for as long as possible, because that dog is super cute. It’s a super cute dog, yo. It was so fucking cute that I was embarrassed by wanting to look at it as much as I wanted to look at it. So I would always, ALWAYS try to make walking over to it seem as casual and unintentional as possible. And while standing in front of it, I would pretend I was looking at other things as well, but really I was 100% there to look at that Shiloh cover with that cute dog. And I would stay there for as long as possible until it seemed like I was pushing it. As though any second a member of my family would notice I had ulterior motives for standing there. Or be like, “Why does Lindsay always want to rent an S movie?” Or a customer would shout out, “Where is the manager of this establishment?! There is a teen staring at this DVD for longer than is socially acceptable!”
I wish I could go back in time and tell teenaged Lindsay that she is worrying about things to an insane degree. And that in like 15 years time, Blockbuster won’t exist and all we’ll do is stare at cute animals on our technological marvels all day long. You weren’t alone, teen Lindsay! Everyone loves photos of cute dogs! It’ll be okay, you sad little weirdo.
And you know what? In looking at this poster now, I’m like, “Eh, I’ve seen cuter.” And that actually makes me kind of sad. It’s like hearing a piece of music that used to make me cry, but now I feel nothing. I take it back, teen Lindsay. It’s not going to be okay You’re going to grow up to be dead inside. Not even a small beagle can make you feel. You’ll need beagle puppies just to feel something. And then who knows how long that will last? Soon you’ll need ten beagle puppies in an Easter basket dressed like bunnies or some shit. Soon not even a beagle fetus will make you feel alive. Welcome to adulthood, asshole. Beagles mean nothing to you now! Go pay bills and cook dinner now, you shell of a person. Teen Lindsay would be ashamed of you. She used to risk her life just to look at this beagle and now you can access all manner of cute animals and you’re not even grateful. They’re just lost on you. You didn’t even remember who you used to be until now. You make me sick.
This post started out fairly normal. I don’t know what just happened.